I keep starting blog posts and abandoning them when I inevitably become dissatisfied with the results. There are so many different thoughts swirling in my head after these past few weeks - they all want to get out, but the perfectionist writer in me can't seem to figure out how. Though it is likely more beneficial to me than anyone else, this post is happening now.

Earlier this week, I realized that changes of all shapes and sizes are barreling towards me. Just when I was starting to get comfortable, it feels as though God took my routine, my comfortable box, and gave it a hearty shake. 

The changes all started Christmas Day. There was no way to avoid the realization that changes were coming when I woke up to the news that my grandma died just hours before we were going to go visit her.

Change confronted me when I was surrounded by family, saying a tearful goodbye to the woman we all loved so dearly. That entire week went by in a strange blur, trying to figure out how to grieve while I went on with my daily life.

Change are coming on Tuesday, when my workload, responsibility, and nannying joys double. I'm cautiously excited to be taking on a second special needs child, trying to silence the fear that I will be inadequate for this opportunity.

I'm turning 25 in less than two weeks and it feels like a big deal. It seems an unavoidable truth: the fact that I am in no way a child, adolescent, or dependent anymore. I am an adult, an independent woman. My choices are my own, as are my mistakes, my time, my friends. It's liberating and terrifying.

These next few months bring the anticipation of more change as I take a leap back into the world of job searching. The idea of it is a little overwhelming right now. It's far too easy to let fear and anxiety take over right now as I consider all of the time and effort to be put into resumes, applications, and interviews.

In all of these changes, fear and anxiety are ready and waiting to break into my mind and soul. I am striving to remember God's faithfulness in all of this: his mercy in Grandma's death; the blessing of a another source of income; his grace throughout my 24 years of life so far; the knowledge that, in spite of all life's changes, my Lord is constant and unchanging.

But this I call to mind,
   and therefore I have hope:

 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
   “therefore I will hope in him.” 

 (Lamentations 3:21-24)

He has given and taken away, and He is good.