Snuggles, Anticipation, and Choices

After one week away from work, I sat on the couch this afternoon savoring my snuggle time with the sweet, sleeping baby boy in my arms. As I thought about the next few days of my life, I realized that I am stumbling headfirst into an incredibly agonizing unknown. I like knowing what is going to happen. I like having all of the answers. That is when I feel safe.

In the past few weeks and months I have learned (and re-learned) a few lessons:

• My feelings are a legitimate part of my existence that need to be acknowledged, not bottled up. Not so easy when the first 20 or so years of your life were spent mastering the art of buried feelings.
• I am not self-sufficient. The introvert in me wishes I could travel the rough patches of life on my own without having to rely on anyone else. If I don't have to rely on anyone else, then I can't be disappointed, right? Then the voice of Truth cuts through my pride, usually via the Psalms, and reminds me that I need hope, strength, counsel, love that does not come from myself but from God and the friends he has blessed me with.
  

I've been anticipating the arrival of February with trepidation, knowing that it would not be an easy month. I took most of last week off to stay with my mom while she had surgery. The recovery has been less than ideal, to say the least. She is back in the hospital with the hope that the doctor can determine why she is not recovering as expected.

Tomorrow, I will be spending the day at the hospital with my parents while we await answers and relief for my mom. Wednesday, I will be helpless to do anything but pray while baby M has surgery to repair the hole in his heart. I cannot stop, fix, or prevent any of the hardships that have or will come. I cannot promise myself happy endings without some struggles along the way.

I can choose to hope that God will be with those I love as well as myself. I can choose to remember that "the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end" (Lamentations 3:22).