Where Do I Find My Worth?

Tonight is the end of a very long day...and a long week. Vomiting, short naps, an angry slap across my face, and toddlers generally running amok made for a trying day. Things didn't get much better after I got out of work. Don't go threatening your child or putting on a big ghetto facade or kicking a pigeon and then look at me for some kind of reaction or approval - all you'll get is a scowl.

The cherry on top of this week is the fact that I have managed to contract another lovely communicable disease of the young - not exactly difficult where I work. I feel gross and I just want it to go away, but it won't go away overnight.

When I feel like I'm "dirty" and even less of a person because of all this sickness I'm getting, I try to remind myself of the honor that can be found in it. Making myself vulnerable to the germs that are more easily found in an urban childcare center by showing up each day, hugging my kids, letting them play with my hair, holding their hands, and rocking them to sleep is a service to them. That is what I wanted to do all along: serve the children who needed it most. It doesn't matter what germs they are carrying; if I get sick while taking care of my toddlers, then so be it.

That's what I'll keep telling myself.

I've Got an Itch I Can't Scratch

I feel kind of guilty - I've been employed as an Assistant Toddler Teacher for just over two months, and already I've got the itch for a new job. Not just any job; I want to be a nanny. Part of my problem is that I've got myself convinced that I will be happiest as a nanny - fewer adults to have drama, politics and power struggles with. The other thing is that I really want to take care of infants, or just one infant.

To make things even worse, I've been looking around at nanny jobs in the Twin Cities. There are some really good jobs - some that would pay almost twice what I'm making now, just for taking care of a few small children! Some have a more modest pay, but would let me do what I [think] I want to do most: care for a baby. One would even let me care for the infant at my own apartment! There are good nanny jobs available right now, and I'm scared that if I don't jump at some of these opportunities, they won't be available when my job is through.

I would feel guilty leaving the job I'm at, partly because I just feel guilty when I choose one job over the other. Why would I be making the choice, though? Would it just be because I think I will be happier? Because I might make more money? Because the demands would be a little less stressful? Basically, those reasons are about me. I don't want a job switch to be about me. I want it to be about wherever God is calling me to be. If the place God is calling me to happens to coincide perfectly with what I want to do and pays way more than enough, I would consider it a very welcome bonus.

Basically, I need to pray. Pray that God would give me clarity about my desires and passions, that God would give me wisdom as I consider any options that are set before me, that I would seek God's will and purpose before my own, and that God would reveal his plan to me as it unfolds, piece by piece.

For this God is our God for ever and ever;

He will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 48:14

Putting a Positive Spin on Various Events

Focusing on the positive is a part of my role as a teacher. Finding the positive in other experiences help point me to the big and little ways God is pouring blessings into my life.

Somewhere between being sneezed and coughed on by 8 loving toddlers, I got myself a very lovely set of pink eyes. I haven't had pinkeye since I was in elementary school. It is not exactly debilitating, but it is a rather disgusting and obvious infection that meant I couldn't put anything in or on my eyes for one week. It might not seem like a big deal, but for a girl who worries (a bit too much) about looking nice, a whole week with glasses and no makeup seemed scary! In reality, it was kind of liberating to get ready in the morning and leave my face as it was! By the end of the week, I was able to look in the mirror and be satisfied with how I looked. I'm not so reformed that I will shun contacts and eye makeup forever, but I may be less picky about who sees my bare face.

This morning, I had twenty minutes between buses and decided to walk a few blocks. Downtown Minneapolis is fascinating when you understand it! Many mornings I spend my layover walking, and I have started to see how all the "puzzle pieces" of downtown fit together. I actually know where the two different 2nd Ave's are, how to get to the hospital, multiple highways, Nicollet Mall, and North Minneapolis. Plus, I know exactly where Panera, Starbucks, and Louann's (my new early morning coffee shop) are! When you walk anywhere, even just for a few minutes, you notice things you didn't notice before. The feuding valet attendant and limo driver, the hair clip lying on the ground, the empty candy box that didn't move for at least a week, the artwork at the light rail stations. There is so much more to see, and you miss it when you drive.

While that fact helps make my mornings more enjoyable, it doesn't effect every facet of my life. I usually spend my 30-minute bus ride down University Ave. reading my Bible and then dozing off and ignoring whatever is happening around me. This morning, however my plans were interrupted by a 50-something, slightly dirtied man who came and sat next to me as I read 1 Peter. He made a comment about how it was nice to see someone in the Word, and from there the talking didn't stop for more than a few seconds. It was less of a conversation and more of one man talking to a less-than talkative girl who would nod and agree when appropriate. At first, I was trying to find a way to shut the man out for my dozing, but then I realized that no matter how tired I was, the bus ride wasn't about me. Even if I divulged very little information in return, my listening ear was the least I could give that man. So for half an hour, I listened. I didn't get to drift in and out of consciousness, but I got to give a fraction of my time to someone who wanted to talk, so it was okay.

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."

Hebrews 13:20,21