Trusting in My Father's Wise Bestowment

When the bills for my student loan payments start showing up in the mailbox...

When the only job I really want is the one that I can't have...

When I'm told that I'm not "qualified" because I don't have a car...

When I realize how little my chosen profession really pays...

When every ounce of my patience and energy is given to my toddlers...

"Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Naptime Update

Praise the Lord for the gift of faith! He is allowing me to see glimpses of his work in my life and giving me peace about the things I don't know yet. The sermons Pastor Stokes has been preaching on 1 John the past few weeks have been so encouraging to me. Last week, I was agonizing over jobs and life in general, but this week is different. God used my long weekend, time with friends, and his peace to calm me down.

Right now, I am cautiously considering a job change. Last week, it seemed that moving to Korea was the only option that would offer everything I "needed": a job that kept me in the teaching field, enough money to pay my bills and save, and a setting that didn't require a car. After getting so worked up that I almost had an anxiety attack, I prayed and asked God for a clear answer. After a good night of sleep, I was much calmer and more at peace with waiting where I am for a job, whenever it comes.

Since deciding not to pursue an international job, I submitted a few resumes for other jobs. I heard back from one family looking for a nanny for their infant. The position would be full time, close by, and allow me to do what I've been waiting to do for years, while still exercising all that knowledge I spent four years of my life gaining! The hours would also be compatible with getting a second job - student loan payments are looming on the horizon, and I would love to be able to actually save some money for emergencies! When replying to the initial email, I had to tell the family that I needed a higher pay than what they were anticipating - I was sure that would end any notion of hiring me! But, I was pleasantly surprised to get a reply stating that they could pay what I needed and asking for my references! So far, it seems that God is putting the pieces into place, but I don't want to get ahead of myself, assume the outcome and end up disappointed like before. I have faith that God hears my prayers and will provide exactly what I need, when I need it - whether this particular job works out or not.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Gazing Into A Foggy Future

Opinions are flying my way from all around me. Everyone has an idea about what I should do and how I should do it, except me. Of course, I have ideas about what I can do, but I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. What I want for my future consists of two things, Lord willing:

1. A job that allows me to work with children and pay all of my bills.
2. A husband and a family.

As I look towards my future, I want to conduct my life in a way that allows for my desires/plans, but that is the wrong approach. I should be following God's leading, wherever that takes me. That takes more faith than I have right now. Lord, help my unbelief!

Another issue is that I don't have a car. Taking the bus is fine here, but only when there's a bus to take. I'm searching for a job while looking through the "I don't have a car" lens. I've been lectured that I should be applying for any and every job, not worrying about transportation until after I've been hired. That seems so irresponsible to me! Why would I accept a job if I wasn't sure if I could get there? Am I supposed to have faith that God will provide a job that I can get to right now, or should I look for a job and have faith that God will provide the transportation with it?

In short, I feel lost and confused, and I don't know what to do.