Reflections

Yesterday, I realized something. God put me where I am, working with my 7 precious toddlers, for a reason. My compensation, transportation, level of comfort, and overall health are not what is important! It seems like such a simple lesson to learn, but I was reminded all over again that my career is about something bigger than just me.

One of my toddlers lost his father yesterday in a shooting. He had no idea, as you would expect from a 2-year-old, but that will surely change soon. When he does come back, we will likely have a toddler who is changed by the grieving of those around him. What do you do with that? I have no idea, but I want to find out.

So many of these kids need extra love...that's what I wanted to do with my degree, to go to a place where I can give of myself to children. I'm in that place now, and I have opportunities before me. May the Lord give me grace to respond to the needs of those I encounter every day and a greater faith in his provision!

Later this week, my employer will be hosting an outdoor community event. Some have expressed fear at the thought of being outdoors in North Minneapolis at that time of day. Please pray that fear will not rule those involved and that we will be kept safe if that is the Lord's will.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Romans 12:9-16

The Consequences of Unchecked Anticipation

(See my previous post)

I anticipated great things...basically, I thought I could have it all: a job I would LOVE, more sane hours, a high enough salary to pay all my bills and then some. Most of all, I thought I would finally be bumped up to a pay scale that let me buy a car. There was a lot riding on my Monday afternoon interview. When the interviewer started criticizing my salary expectations, I knew I was in trouble. Then she started giving me advice on what kind of car to buy to be a good nanny (the nerve!), telling me to call back after I got a car. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of my dream.

When I left that interview, I felt disappointed, offended, and confused. I can't explain why EVERY time I go out for a nanny position, the door is shut in my face. At least, it feels that way. I don't know why the interviewer seemed like she didn't want to put in any effort for me. Maybe they want seasoned, 40-something single women who've cared for their nieces and nephews all their lives? I don't know.

What I do know is that God wants me to stay where I'm at for the time being. I may not be able to sleep in past 5 AM, wear anything that makes me look like a teacher, avoid communicable diseases, buy a car, count on any sort of consistency, or do anything social on weekdays. But, God is giving me a chance to be content, patient, and learn how to love better.

Anticipation

Anticipation - noun

1. the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.

2. realization in advance; foretaste.

3. expectation or hope

(dictionary.com)

It feels like there are so many things to anticipate. It is looking forward to what is coming next, considering the possibilities. It's so easy to start planning what will unfold in the near future, but I have to constantly remind myself that God has a bigger plan than mine, and he KNOWS what is coming next! When I start making my own plans, I start putting my hope in what I want, instead of God's faithfulness.

Right now, I am anticipating what may be a significant change in my life. Because it relates to employment, I can't give a lot of details, but I'm excited! The change would be a step in a direction that I would really like. That's a red flag for me; the fact that I want this makes me leery of hoping too much for this change. Multiple times in the past, I have gotten very excited about something that I really wanted (don't we all?). So many of those things never came about, for one reason or another. In hindsight, I can see God's hand in withholding some of those things from me, or I choose to believe that my life was better without them. The concept of getting what I want - the fulfillment of my desires being part of God's will - seems kind of foreign to me!

I want to have discernment to see the difference between my selfish desires and the truth, in order that I will not make an idol out of what I want.

Put to death, therefore, what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

Colossians 3:5

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:12-17

Facts

• Fact: Some days, my job makes me want to cry. Mostly because Baby D can't go more than 2 minutes without hitting or biting the girl who pushes his buttons, the children are all inexplicably awake at 2:30, the crazy almost 3-year-old boy is bouncing off the walls one minute and clinging to me the next, or 7 of 7 toddlers refuse to lay down on their cots. God blesses me with a great deal of patience, but some days it still runs out. It is then that I am reminded that I cannot be a toddler teacher on my own...it takes divine intervention.
• Fact: I desperately want a car. I was dumb enough to look at cars online; I found one that I love, but I can't justify buying it. Not until I find out exactly what my student loan payments are going to be. Now I'm trying to let go of my ideal little car and trust that God will provide in 2 months instead of 2 days.
• Fact: Fear is creeping in to my daily life. I've heard rumors of higher levels of crime at various places I pass through each day, including the neighborhood I work in. When one of the most knowledgeable local residents told me never to go out on the street after dark and to leave almost my entire wallet home, I realized what exactly I was in the middle of. I want to believe that I can trust 99% of people I meet during the daytime, but I'm scared that mindset will backfire someday. Hence, my desire for a car.
• Fact: Working in "Public Service" provides certain benefits regarding student loan repayment. Working as a nanny eliminates those benefits. Herein lies a dilemma.
• Fact: It has been a long week, which makes the weekends that much sweeter!