There's No Place Like Home

In the midst of my Sunday evening cleaning and organizing, the song issuing from my laptop speakers brought on an interlude of introspection.

I drove 300 miles from the place I call home

Upon hearing those lyrics I began thinking. Thinking about how my past roommates have always used "home" to refer to wherever their parents are. Thinking about how "home" was wherever I happened to be living. Thinking about what really felt like home.

Some families put their roots down in one place, one town, one house, and stay there for years. Other families move from place to place for whatever reason. My family fell into the second category. We moved a lot. I could count on the fact that eventually we would be packing everything up and moving to some other place.

That's what each new dwelling became: some other place. Each time we moved I felt less connected with our "home." Even today, I never finish unpacking when I move. There are always boxes that sit in a closet waiting for the next time we load up the moving truck. I want to decorate, find a place for everything, make the space my own, but there is always a little voice that says, "What's the point? You'll just have put it back in a box when your lease is up."

My sisters and I have often talked about the two places that we identify as home, the two places that have never changed: our grandparents' homes. Little things change as they do in every house, but the "Grandpa and Grandma's house" that I have known since I could first remember will always be there. Every time I visit my grandparents, I know that the beds will be in the same place, the cereal will be in the same cupboard, the same grandfather clock will chime, the same radio station will turn on at 5 AM, the same family heirlooms will be prominently displayed, the same sliced cheese will be in it's special container, the same playhouse will be visible in the backyard, the same nightlight will be in the bathroom, the same pictures will be on the wall.

That is when I am home.

"Do You Hear That? It's the Winds of Change."

It has been almost two months since I left my first job behind. These past weeks have been spectacular: getting to know baby M; watching him grow both physically and cognitively; and getting to know my employers. My delight in little babies has only grown as I have become more amazed at God's handiwork in this tiny little human!

When I accepted my new job, I knew that it would come with a pay cut. I did a little math to make sure that I would still be able to pay all of my bills and told myself that less money would mean more practice in responsible spending.

Fast forward two months and you will find a young woman, previously very financially immature, who has worked and reworked her budget many times. The jump from mindless, careless and selfish spending to keeping track of every single dollar has been a challenge. Every two weeks I sit down and figure out exactly how much will stay in my checking account to pay bills electronically, while the rest of my budget requires a cash-only approach. It's too easy to just hand over a piece of plastic without paying attention to where that invisible money should really be going.

Figuring out my budget has not always been very uplifting, as my bad decisions are coming back to haunt me with sky-high interest rates. Every once in awhile I tell myself that if I had stayed at my old job, I would have plenty of money to pay down my debts and save for the future. But if I had stayed where I was, I would still be spending the same irresponsible way. I know that I am better off financially where I am now, where I have no choice but to track every dollar.

So, I see two blessings within my new job; not only do I get to do what I have wanted to do for years, but I am learning how to be responsible with what God gives me.

And he said to them, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Luke 12:15

The Past and The Present

This afternoon, I saw a picture of one of my college professors. Almost immediately, I was struck with the same fear and feelings of inadequacy that usually taunted me in her presence.

Sometimes I think about what I've accomplished during college and in the 9 months since graduating, and for a few moments I feel proud of myself. Then I think about what it would be like to face that professor now, bearing all of my post-graduate accomplishments for her to see, and suddenly my pride shrivels up to almost nothing.

Funny how one person can have such a lasting influence.

Music and Memories

Sometimes, I am amazed at how a specific song can bring up memories, causing me to relive an entirely different time of my life. I heard Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls this afternoon and almost instantly remembered a day in first grade. We were on a bus leaving a field trip to some sort of nature center, and the "cool" girls were singing Waterfalls while I lamented not knowing all of the lyrics so that I could sing along.

After that flashback, I started thinking about other songs with the same time-traveling effect...

When I hear Breakfast at Tiffany's, I remember sitting in the Champlin Public Library watching VH1 with Kayla. We were so surprised that Deep Blue Something looked like a bunch of country singers!

One Sweet Day brings me back to third grade: Megan, Jennifer and I loved spending our recess sitting on the swings and singing Mariah Carey songs.

After The Lion King came out in theaters, WLite started playing Elton John's Can You Feel the Love Tonight. I remember well the day we sat in the car behind the St. Louis Park Burger King eating our just-purchased lunches. My mom didn't want her onions, so she threw them out the window for the blackbirds nearby.

College changed the way I experience Silent Night. We sang that song dozens of times for Christmas at Northwestern, and I will never forget standing in the dark, candlelit auditorium, waiting for the sound of the bell. Or hoping that I didn't trip down the steps.

Every time I listen to Fireflies, I travel to a time when snow was falling and I was closing in on the end of my first grade student teaching. I remember what it was like to drive the Ford Explorer and hope that I survive another day or feel grateful for making it through another day.

A few weeks ago, I added a new song to my list: The Book of Love. My sister and her fiance used this song for their wedding slideshow. I couldn't help buying the song for myself, and now when I listen to it I relive the moments when we hid in the back of sanctuary, smiling and anticipating.

Gratitude

This morning, I am grateful that God has given me a reason to wake up at 5:30, walk out the door on time, and see the sunrise as I walked down the quiet street to my bus stop.

I am grateful that the Twin Cities has a transit system that can get me almost anywhere I need to go...at least on the weekdays!

I am grateful for the ability to see all of the beautiful flowers being set out at the Farmer's Market downtown while sipping my delicious iced white mocha.

I am so grateful that every day is a new day, filled with new possibilities, a fresh batch of patience, and God's new mercies.

I am grateful that God has given me a new opportunity and that I can trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. Come mid-September, Lord willing, I will be doing something different but exciting with my days!

I am grateful that God has brought my sister and her fiance together, giving us an opportunity to gather and celebrate. August 14th is going to be the best day of the summer!

I am grateful for the ability to sing, no matter how poorly, and being able to enjoy it!

I am grateful for the ability to run and breathe, even if those two things in conjunction with each other are not very pleasant.

I am grateful for the faith God has given me and the hope He has provided for the future.

Having Faith

Right now, I'm not sure whether I will have the same job in 6 months.

Right now, I don't know if I will ever feel competent for my job.

Right now, I don't know if I will be able to afford a car anytime soon.

Right now, I don't know if or how God will fulfill the desires He has given me.

But right now, I know that I have found happiness where I am. Today, I know that God has extended grace and forgiveness to me through Jesus Christ. I know that I have been blessed with a job and the ability to fulfill my duties. I know that there are 7 sweet (and sometimes naughty) toddlers who rush me when I walk in the door after my lunch break. I know that I am looking forward to the next four weeks filled with opportunities to spend time with family and friends.

Right now, by God's grace, I am alright. That's enough.

Especially for my Friend Who is a Writer

My poetry-loving friend requested a viewing of the poems I so lovingly penned about my car. The first poem was written for a contest last fall, while the second was written just after I sold "Miss Beatrice" to the junkyard. Though I may sound rather bitter in these poems, please know I am considerably less angered now. I even think back on my short time with Miss Beatrice with some nostalgia. Without further ado...

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 1)

Our first day together, three times in the snow

"Miss Beatrice" got stuck and she wouldn’t go!

I live in Minnesota, snow is a given!

My car needs to keep up with where I’m livin’.

For $500, I bought this piece of junk

And soon discovered she’s in a permanent funk!

More than the worth of my crappy car

Is what I’ve spent to save my life, so far.

Oil disappeared, the steering wheel would shake!

Plus a dangerous leak of fluid from the brake.

A noisy exhaust leak caused glares and pain;

And Carbon monoxide threatened my brain!

I’ve fixed the most dangerous parts of my car,

But Miss Beatrice keeps raising the bar.

Three windows, two mirrors, one lock, the horn

These things don’t work – how forlorn!

Rusty drums, no Oxygen sensor

She’s an oil burner with bad fuel pressure.

Bad struts, and burning smells won’t let me be

Plus, it devoured my choir CD.

Toxic fumes and blue clouds waft from my car

Almost 200,000 miles…I'm afraid to travel far!

The windshield wipers are neon yellow

Plus the dents and rust – it makes me bellow!

Miss Beatrice is only 15 years old,

But the leaky trunk is growing some mold!

America's worst car is surely my own,

and each day I'm never sure I'll actually make it home.

I don’t care what I get in return,

I just laugh at the thought of seeing her burn!

When you're driving down the highway, and wonder, "What's that smell?"

Look over - it's me! In the car from....you know where.

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 2)

Miss Beatrice, my time with you is finally done.

Because of you, my dignity was overrun.

For ten long months you sought my demise;

I know now that purchasing you was unwise.

The oil-burning engine left a putrid aroma

The carbon monoxide could have put me in a coma!

But all of your attacks I have survived

Though, of oxygen, my brain was deprived.

Pushing, sliding, cracking, jumping

Why were you intent on abusing?

Since March, you’ve run up a bill quite nice,

More than 35 times the trade-in price!

Now I’ve sold you to the junkyard

Still, my budget and existence are truly scarred.

Though your existence I surely abhor

You won all the battles, but I won the war.

Five Short Reflections on a Holiday Weekend

1. Driving a vehicle that has a defective speedometer really helps develop ones inner sense of speed. My inner speedometer still needs work, though. Driving back to the cities today took half an hour less than usual...with two pit stops. Whoops!
2. I love my grandparents, especially in their quirky and crazy moments. Example: I went out to the garage to get a stepladder and heard my Grandpa scanning the radio stations. What did he stop on? Britney Spears. Yes, I love my grandparents.
3. When making lefse on Saturday, I thought I was being really responsible and healthy when I washed my hands before we started. After Grandma said she tasted pomegranate in a fully cooked piece of lefse, I decided my handwashing technique needed a little work.
4. On my drive back to the farm after making lefse, I was admiring the picturesque country-ness of the roads. When I spotted 8 or so birds on the road, I figured they'd get out of the way. As I got closer, I realized that they were little ducklings who were running around but NOT running off the road. In these situations, my mind flashes back to a time when I was not yet a licensed driver. My mom told me in no uncertain terms that you NEVER swerve around animals on a country road, no matter how small or how cute. So when I saw the little ducklings in my path, I kept driving in a straight line, screaming in dismay. I looked in the rearview mirror with trepidation, and saw at least one lifeless duckling on the road behind me. I wasn't so happy about the country roads after that.
5. On the drive back today, an unfamiliar radio station started playing "Jump Jive an' Wail." For those few minutes, I was sad that I couldn't swing dance in the van.

Trusting in My Father's Wise Bestowment

When the bills for my student loan payments start showing up in the mailbox...

When the only job I really want is the one that I can't have...

When I'm told that I'm not "qualified" because I don't have a car...

When I realize how little my chosen profession really pays...

When every ounce of my patience and energy is given to my toddlers...

"Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Naptime Update

Praise the Lord for the gift of faith! He is allowing me to see glimpses of his work in my life and giving me peace about the things I don't know yet. The sermons Pastor Stokes has been preaching on 1 John the past few weeks have been so encouraging to me. Last week, I was agonizing over jobs and life in general, but this week is different. God used my long weekend, time with friends, and his peace to calm me down.

Right now, I am cautiously considering a job change. Last week, it seemed that moving to Korea was the only option that would offer everything I "needed": a job that kept me in the teaching field, enough money to pay my bills and save, and a setting that didn't require a car. After getting so worked up that I almost had an anxiety attack, I prayed and asked God for a clear answer. After a good night of sleep, I was much calmer and more at peace with waiting where I am for a job, whenever it comes.

Since deciding not to pursue an international job, I submitted a few resumes for other jobs. I heard back from one family looking for a nanny for their infant. The position would be full time, close by, and allow me to do what I've been waiting to do for years, while still exercising all that knowledge I spent four years of my life gaining! The hours would also be compatible with getting a second job - student loan payments are looming on the horizon, and I would love to be able to actually save some money for emergencies! When replying to the initial email, I had to tell the family that I needed a higher pay than what they were anticipating - I was sure that would end any notion of hiring me! But, I was pleasantly surprised to get a reply stating that they could pay what I needed and asking for my references! So far, it seems that God is putting the pieces into place, but I don't want to get ahead of myself, assume the outcome and end up disappointed like before. I have faith that God hears my prayers and will provide exactly what I need, when I need it - whether this particular job works out or not.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Gazing Into A Foggy Future

Opinions are flying my way from all around me. Everyone has an idea about what I should do and how I should do it, except me. Of course, I have ideas about what I can do, but I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. What I want for my future consists of two things, Lord willing:

1. A job that allows me to work with children and pay all of my bills.
2. A husband and a family.

As I look towards my future, I want to conduct my life in a way that allows for my desires/plans, but that is the wrong approach. I should be following God's leading, wherever that takes me. That takes more faith than I have right now. Lord, help my unbelief!

Another issue is that I don't have a car. Taking the bus is fine here, but only when there's a bus to take. I'm searching for a job while looking through the "I don't have a car" lens. I've been lectured that I should be applying for any and every job, not worrying about transportation until after I've been hired. That seems so irresponsible to me! Why would I accept a job if I wasn't sure if I could get there? Am I supposed to have faith that God will provide a job that I can get to right now, or should I look for a job and have faith that God will provide the transportation with it?

In short, I feel lost and confused, and I don't know what to do.

Reflections

Yesterday, I realized something. God put me where I am, working with my 7 precious toddlers, for a reason. My compensation, transportation, level of comfort, and overall health are not what is important! It seems like such a simple lesson to learn, but I was reminded all over again that my career is about something bigger than just me.

One of my toddlers lost his father yesterday in a shooting. He had no idea, as you would expect from a 2-year-old, but that will surely change soon. When he does come back, we will likely have a toddler who is changed by the grieving of those around him. What do you do with that? I have no idea, but I want to find out.

So many of these kids need extra love...that's what I wanted to do with my degree, to go to a place where I can give of myself to children. I'm in that place now, and I have opportunities before me. May the Lord give me grace to respond to the needs of those I encounter every day and a greater faith in his provision!

Later this week, my employer will be hosting an outdoor community event. Some have expressed fear at the thought of being outdoors in North Minneapolis at that time of day. Please pray that fear will not rule those involved and that we will be kept safe if that is the Lord's will.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Romans 12:9-16

The Consequences of Unchecked Anticipation

(See my previous post)

I anticipated great things...basically, I thought I could have it all: a job I would LOVE, more sane hours, a high enough salary to pay all my bills and then some. Most of all, I thought I would finally be bumped up to a pay scale that let me buy a car. There was a lot riding on my Monday afternoon interview. When the interviewer started criticizing my salary expectations, I knew I was in trouble. Then she started giving me advice on what kind of car to buy to be a good nanny (the nerve!), telling me to call back after I got a car. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of my dream.

When I left that interview, I felt disappointed, offended, and confused. I can't explain why EVERY time I go out for a nanny position, the door is shut in my face. At least, it feels that way. I don't know why the interviewer seemed like she didn't want to put in any effort for me. Maybe they want seasoned, 40-something single women who've cared for their nieces and nephews all their lives? I don't know.

What I do know is that God wants me to stay where I'm at for the time being. I may not be able to sleep in past 5 AM, wear anything that makes me look like a teacher, avoid communicable diseases, buy a car, count on any sort of consistency, or do anything social on weekdays. But, God is giving me a chance to be content, patient, and learn how to love better.

Anticipation

Anticipation - noun

1. the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.

2. realization in advance; foretaste.

3. expectation or hope

(dictionary.com)

It feels like there are so many things to anticipate. It is looking forward to what is coming next, considering the possibilities. It's so easy to start planning what will unfold in the near future, but I have to constantly remind myself that God has a bigger plan than mine, and he KNOWS what is coming next! When I start making my own plans, I start putting my hope in what I want, instead of God's faithfulness.

Right now, I am anticipating what may be a significant change in my life. Because it relates to employment, I can't give a lot of details, but I'm excited! The change would be a step in a direction that I would really like. That's a red flag for me; the fact that I want this makes me leery of hoping too much for this change. Multiple times in the past, I have gotten very excited about something that I really wanted (don't we all?). So many of those things never came about, for one reason or another. In hindsight, I can see God's hand in withholding some of those things from me, or I choose to believe that my life was better without them. The concept of getting what I want - the fulfillment of my desires being part of God's will - seems kind of foreign to me!

I want to have discernment to see the difference between my selfish desires and the truth, in order that I will not make an idol out of what I want.

Put to death, therefore, what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

Colossians 3:5

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:12-17

Facts

• Fact: Some days, my job makes me want to cry. Mostly because Baby D can't go more than 2 minutes without hitting or biting the girl who pushes his buttons, the children are all inexplicably awake at 2:30, the crazy almost 3-year-old boy is bouncing off the walls one minute and clinging to me the next, or 7 of 7 toddlers refuse to lay down on their cots. God blesses me with a great deal of patience, but some days it still runs out. It is then that I am reminded that I cannot be a toddler teacher on my own...it takes divine intervention.
• Fact: I desperately want a car. I was dumb enough to look at cars online; I found one that I love, but I can't justify buying it. Not until I find out exactly what my student loan payments are going to be. Now I'm trying to let go of my ideal little car and trust that God will provide in 2 months instead of 2 days.
• Fact: Fear is creeping in to my daily life. I've heard rumors of higher levels of crime at various places I pass through each day, including the neighborhood I work in. When one of the most knowledgeable local residents told me never to go out on the street after dark and to leave almost my entire wallet home, I realized what exactly I was in the middle of. I want to believe that I can trust 99% of people I meet during the daytime, but I'm scared that mindset will backfire someday. Hence, my desire for a car.
• Fact: Working in "Public Service" provides certain benefits regarding student loan repayment. Working as a nanny eliminates those benefits. Herein lies a dilemma.
• Fact: It has been a long week, which makes the weekends that much sweeter!

Where Do I Find My Worth?

Tonight is the end of a very long day...and a long week. Vomiting, short naps, an angry slap across my face, and toddlers generally running amok made for a trying day. Things didn't get much better after I got out of work. Don't go threatening your child or putting on a big ghetto facade or kicking a pigeon and then look at me for some kind of reaction or approval - all you'll get is a scowl.

The cherry on top of this week is the fact that I have managed to contract another lovely communicable disease of the young - not exactly difficult where I work. I feel gross and I just want it to go away, but it won't go away overnight.

When I feel like I'm "dirty" and even less of a person because of all this sickness I'm getting, I try to remind myself of the honor that can be found in it. Making myself vulnerable to the germs that are more easily found in an urban childcare center by showing up each day, hugging my kids, letting them play with my hair, holding their hands, and rocking them to sleep is a service to them. That is what I wanted to do all along: serve the children who needed it most. It doesn't matter what germs they are carrying; if I get sick while taking care of my toddlers, then so be it.

That's what I'll keep telling myself.

I've Got an Itch I Can't Scratch

I feel kind of guilty - I've been employed as an Assistant Toddler Teacher for just over two months, and already I've got the itch for a new job. Not just any job; I want to be a nanny. Part of my problem is that I've got myself convinced that I will be happiest as a nanny - fewer adults to have drama, politics and power struggles with. The other thing is that I really want to take care of infants, or just one infant.

To make things even worse, I've been looking around at nanny jobs in the Twin Cities. There are some really good jobs - some that would pay almost twice what I'm making now, just for taking care of a few small children! Some have a more modest pay, but would let me do what I [think] I want to do most: care for a baby. One would even let me care for the infant at my own apartment! There are good nanny jobs available right now, and I'm scared that if I don't jump at some of these opportunities, they won't be available when my job is through.

I would feel guilty leaving the job I'm at, partly because I just feel guilty when I choose one job over the other. Why would I be making the choice, though? Would it just be because I think I will be happier? Because I might make more money? Because the demands would be a little less stressful? Basically, those reasons are about me. I don't want a job switch to be about me. I want it to be about wherever God is calling me to be. If the place God is calling me to happens to coincide perfectly with what I want to do and pays way more than enough, I would consider it a very welcome bonus.

Basically, I need to pray. Pray that God would give me clarity about my desires and passions, that God would give me wisdom as I consider any options that are set before me, that I would seek God's will and purpose before my own, and that God would reveal his plan to me as it unfolds, piece by piece.

For this God is our God for ever and ever;

He will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 48:14

Putting a Positive Spin on Various Events

Focusing on the positive is a part of my role as a teacher. Finding the positive in other experiences help point me to the big and little ways God is pouring blessings into my life.

Somewhere between being sneezed and coughed on by 8 loving toddlers, I got myself a very lovely set of pink eyes. I haven't had pinkeye since I was in elementary school. It is not exactly debilitating, but it is a rather disgusting and obvious infection that meant I couldn't put anything in or on my eyes for one week. It might not seem like a big deal, but for a girl who worries (a bit too much) about looking nice, a whole week with glasses and no makeup seemed scary! In reality, it was kind of liberating to get ready in the morning and leave my face as it was! By the end of the week, I was able to look in the mirror and be satisfied with how I looked. I'm not so reformed that I will shun contacts and eye makeup forever, but I may be less picky about who sees my bare face.

This morning, I had twenty minutes between buses and decided to walk a few blocks. Downtown Minneapolis is fascinating when you understand it! Many mornings I spend my layover walking, and I have started to see how all the "puzzle pieces" of downtown fit together. I actually know where the two different 2nd Ave's are, how to get to the hospital, multiple highways, Nicollet Mall, and North Minneapolis. Plus, I know exactly where Panera, Starbucks, and Louann's (my new early morning coffee shop) are! When you walk anywhere, even just for a few minutes, you notice things you didn't notice before. The feuding valet attendant and limo driver, the hair clip lying on the ground, the empty candy box that didn't move for at least a week, the artwork at the light rail stations. There is so much more to see, and you miss it when you drive.

While that fact helps make my mornings more enjoyable, it doesn't effect every facet of my life. I usually spend my 30-minute bus ride down University Ave. reading my Bible and then dozing off and ignoring whatever is happening around me. This morning, however my plans were interrupted by a 50-something, slightly dirtied man who came and sat next to me as I read 1 Peter. He made a comment about how it was nice to see someone in the Word, and from there the talking didn't stop for more than a few seconds. It was less of a conversation and more of one man talking to a less-than talkative girl who would nod and agree when appropriate. At first, I was trying to find a way to shut the man out for my dozing, but then I realized that no matter how tired I was, the bus ride wasn't about me. Even if I divulged very little information in return, my listening ear was the least I could give that man. So for half an hour, I listened. I didn't get to drift in and out of consciousness, but I got to give a fraction of my time to someone who wanted to talk, so it was okay.

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."

Hebrews 13:20,21

A Little More Wisdom Each Day

Disclaimer: Sometimes I process things by talking/writing them out. This post may or may not be one of those times.

I think all of my adventures make me a little wiser at the end of each day...and maybe a little more crazy.

Metro Transit provides more adventures than I really care for. Yesterday, I was resting with closed eyes on a bus between St. Paul and Minneapolis when a man behind me had a short seizure. Long story short, the man was okay, but some of the men who were on that bus were so disrespectful, uncaring, and mean that I was MAD. By the end of the bus ride, I was fuming in my seat while convincing myself that I would keep my cool. I never expected people to show so little concern for someone in obvious distress or that my concern would make me the brunt of their jokes.

After that morning, I've thought more about how all of this relates to me as a child of God. Whether or not there are maddeningly stupid people in my midst, events such as this are an opportunity for me to love as Jesus loved and thank God for the ability to do so.

Tuesday's Bus Adventure...

Storytime:

On the way through Dinkytown, a man gets on the bus. He's one of those people who talks whether or not anyone is paying attention. Although, he was talking so loud you couldn't help but pay attention. Among the more entertaining quips:

• "I'm a Metro Transit Police Officer. See my badge?"
• "The rivers are pretty high...this bridge is going to collapse."
• "The Metrodome was named after me. I should get a 134 million dollar contract."
• "The Vikings should just go to LA. Minnesota has a new football team: the mosquitoes and wood ticks. Mosquitoes and wood ticks can kick a**."

Just another morning on the bus.

"I'm Gonna Be a Sheep...because I'm Gonna Be Fat"

Out of the mouths of babes. That quote was one of the highlights of this very long day.

Today was one of those days. Not one of those days where you think, "I can't do this for the rest of my life." It was a day where you think, "I can do this, but if tomorrow is like this, I might lose my sanity."

For a variety of reasons, there were no toddlers for the first 45 minutes - a nice start to the day. Then the head teacher and I found out that we were getting 4 toddlers from another room with no teachers. 4 strange children + a strange room + stranger anxiety + attachment issues + mom sightings + crying instead of sleeping = WHOA. That about sums it up.

One of my personal victories was getting one boy to sleep for longer than 30 minutes, the amount of time he normally sleeps. Yeah!

So now, I am unwinding by watching Sister Act, and hoping that tomorrow will be better than today.

Happy Thursday!

As I Gaze Upon 4 Sleeping Toddlers

I was considering writing a post all about why I disliked my weekend, Daylight Savings Time, etc. Then I decided that such a post would benefit no one. In lieu of my complaints, I will leave you with a positive note:

There are only 4 toddlers to chase around in my post-weekend haze. Praise the Lord!

With Each Passing Moment

• Last week was chaotic. Thankfully, it flew by. Almost every day, I left work thinking, "can I really do this for the rest of my life?" I'm trying to anticipate toddler-esque chaos each day, and to have more love ready for them. Today, instead of trying to stop the chaos by telling them what to do (which, at this point, doesn't work very well), I tried to pull the most worked-up child away to just sit with them and read or do whatever. I like that better. :)
• Thanks to a certain sister of mine getting minor surgery, I have been able to drive to work for the past 1/2 week. This has cultivated an extreme appreciation for all things vehicular. Tomorrow, I go back to the bus. This will likely cultivate very little that is positive. I need a better attitude.
• Drafting AND sticking to a budget is not easy...or fun. But it will be worth it. It will be worth it. It will be worth it.
• What I wanted to do after college was driven by my passion for young children...as a variety of family/health issues have started surfacing, my "passion" is starting to shift to the point where I want to get in a position where I can put family first, job second. I want to have the freedom to drop everything and go help someone, but my current situation does not allow that. I don't know yet if I will make the decision to leave this job for another, but I have definitely been thinking about it.
• I am tired from a very long Monday. Good night, world.

Maybe I Need to Chuck My Rose-Colored Glasses?

I did not sleep very soundly last night. My brain was occupied with the many ways that I could be late for work. I literally dreamed all of these during my 7 hours of sleep:

• Oversleeping (average)
• My mom driving around the parking lot in circles (wouldn't surprise me a ton. :o )
• A drug bust at our apartments...little gummy candy drugs to be exact. (not unheard of)
• Getting lost in our apartment building (one of those dreams where a place that you know magically morphs into something different)
• Falling down a bottomless stage pit (this occurred after I failed to jump far enough off the stage where people were studying. I hope this one is highly unlikely.)

Thankfully, this is the point where I woke up to the pestering sound of my alarm. Interestingly enough, none of my dreams included missing the bus. Wouldn't be a bad idea if this morning's events continued...

This morning, was a first for me. The first time I was ever hit on, as in a random guy trying to chat me up and get a phone number. At 6 AM on a Monday morning, I was not in the mood for that. Not that I would ever be in the mood for it. I'm not the type of girl that gets hit on! I've been trying to find a happy balance between my desire to assume every person I meet on the street is innocent until proven guilty and the fear-driven desire to be a little hermit that talks to no one. It may not be the best attitude, but I would be perfectly happy if I never saw that man again. I'm at least hoping that he won't be at that same bus stop every day - and that I will be coherent enough to give the "right answers" to the questions these men ask. Answers that say, "I'm not going to treat you like a jerk, but I'm not interested in anything."

I was talking with one of the maintenance men at work today, and when I told him I was one of the new employees hired with the stimulus money, he called me an "Obama teacher." I thought about that later and realized, no matter how much I dislike that Obama was elected president, I got this job because of decisions he made in office. No matter how long or short the duration of my first real job is, God blessed me with it in part through our current president.

Ramblings After Another Week

Yesterday marked three full weeks of being an employed adult. After 4 1/2 years of college, it's strange to think that this chapter of my life does not have a defined ending point. Exams, classes, semesters all end, but a job doesn't...at least not in the same way. To me, especially as a teacher, my job is a commitment. Not a "til death do you part" commitment, but a "this is what I'm doing until someone makes it stop" commitment. Granted, I did just sign a paper informing me that my temporary position could be terminated at any point without discussing it with me beforehand, so this job could end sooner than expected. Ramblings aside, I'm playing a different ball game now, writing a new chapter.

I found out that I was not actually starting a new infant classroom, but taking the place of an assistant toddler teacher after some shuffling took place. During my first day and a half in that toddler room, I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of chaos. (Note: toddlers are not exactly the opposite of chaos!) The head teacher had not been sticking to the established routine during the two weeks with a substitute, plus they had just gotten a new bus driver. For anyone who knows young children, you know that all of those changes are a recipe for WHOA.

So, for the past week I've been adjusting to waking up at 4, new bus routes, spending all 9 hours of my shift (minus lunch) with my 8 toddlers, and getting comfortable with the kids and my coworkers.

Right now, I'm figuring out how to communicate with a head teacher who is just as quiet as I am, how to bridge cultural gaps that are big and small, how to get to know 8 new little personalities/temperaments, how to be an intentional toddler teacher, and how to survive 16 hour days that include 2-3 hours of me time. There are some days I think I won't be able to handle everything, and other days I'm more optimistic. I know I have a lot to learn and many ways to grow, so I'm praying for grace each day, just for that day, to do my best.

Another new facet of adulthood I'm figuring out is the 3-ish hours of my day devoted to commuting. The cold weather is the most difficult for me right now. Since I forsook one of my buses downtown in favor of walking 8 blocks (to stay warm), I've started to enjoy the atmosphere, the glimpses of the sunrise, and the overall quiet of the morning. If I could just keep all the feeling in my legs and feet, it would be much more enjoyable. I can't wait for spring now! Not only will spring bring warm body temperatures, but also the absence of ice on sidewalks, which will mean faster walking!

I've had plenty of warnings/advice on how to handle myself in North Minneapolis. Frankly, I'm not very worried during the daytime. When I encounter strangers on the street or bus, I want to be able to see past differences that are on the surface, not make assumptions based on first impressions. There are still moments where I get nervous or I'm sure that the people across from me on the bus are talking about me, but I just keep reminding myself that I am fine, the majority of the people around me are fine, and God is with me.

As I move into another week of adulthood, I hope and pray that God will make me adequate for what He has called me to do at this time. Overall, I am slowly learning and choosing to take responsibility for all facets of my life - I just regret that it has taken me this long to do so! And on that note, I now take responsibility for the clean laundry laying on the chair and the 8 hours of sleep I WILL get tonight!

O-bla-di, O-bla-dah

Life goes on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a job. Last Friday, I accepted a full-time position working as an assistant infant teacher in North Minneapolis. I will be working for an agency that serves a very diverse range of families and has an equally diverse group of employees! After being in training for one week, I have had plenty of time to process why I am excited, and why I am less than excited. These are listed below, partly for my benefit, but it will help you know more about what I will be doing!

Reasons why I am excited for this job:

• 40 hours/week = enough money to pay all of my bills.
• I get to work with babies! I love babies. :)
• The agency really cares about all-around excellence and provides great services for many families.
• They really emphasize the necessity of relationships and teamwork as part of our job, both with coworkers and families. It will be a great opportunity for me to build skills in this area.
• The employees I have met so far are fun, caring people who want to be there.
• Our training includes a wide variety of information that is going to be extremely helpful...I am going to be so well prepared!
• I'm going to buy myself some awesome scrubs to wear!

Reasons why I'm nervous/unexcited:

• I'm halfway through 2 weeks of training. 8 hours a day of ice breakers, Power Points, handouts, and various forms of lectures all taking place in a basement with no windows. It's like being in college all over again.
• My position, along with many others, are new and funded by federal stimulus money. In other words, it is temporary and has no guarantee of becoming permanent. They hope to make it long-term, but for right now I'm working on trusting in God's plan for me.
• As I planned, I have been taking the bus to and from work. My attitude towards this is a work in progress. It's hard not to resent my lack of car when I get on a bus far too early in the morning and can't feel my toes when I finally walk into work 90 minutes later, when my 30 minute layover in St. Paul is on a street corner with enough language to fill an R-rated movie, or when I have to ride the bus home with those cussing characters. I am reminding myself each day that I do not deserve to have a warm car ride to and from work.
• Between my 9 hour shift and 3+ hours of commuting, most of my day is spoken for. I can't really do much else besides unwind a little, eat and go to bed.

Overall, I feel very blessed to have found a job so quickly, and one that I am excited for! The women training us have mentioned multiple times how picky the agency is in who they hire, telling us that we are the best of the best. I never really thought of myself in that way, so I feel like I have big shoes to fill.

I would really appreciate your prayers as I continue in my first job as a teacher!

A Blog Entry Which Summarizes Some of My Current Thoughts, With Some Small Attempts at Being Witty

1. As of 6:15 pm on Sunday, I am officially unemployed for the first time in 5 1/2 years. Days 1 and 2 of unemployment have been very enjoyable. I'll let you know when that changes.
2. Last night, I submitted my 9th and 10th job applications. I have been contacted about 2 of those 10. Still waiting to hear about last week's job interview. If "Diane" follows through, I will have a brief phone interview sometime tomorrow afternoon. In my recent experience, however, managers rarely stick to their word regarding phone calls. Maybe I should start writing in my cover letter that I ALWAYS keep my promises...at least when it comes to phone calls. Except for that one phone call I promised last week.
3. I have committed to surviving without my own car until I can buy a good one, but I wish I had one right now. I've seen multiple nanny positions that sound wonderful, but are way out of bus range. The bus only goes so far! Either all the rich families with nannies need to move back to the real suburbs, or someone needs to tell Metro Transit what's really up.
4. Every time I do laundry, my closet shrinks a little. Where has all this clothing come from, and where am I supposed to put it?
5. On Saturday, I went with Kayla and my mom to look at wedding dresses. One store had beautiful dresses on sale for $99. For about ten seconds, I thought to myself, "Oh man, this is such a great deal! Maybe I should just buy one now just in case I can't find such a good deal when I get engaged!" Then I gave myself a mental slap to the face.
6. You know what I really dislike? Those times when you are (figuratively) sprinting towards something that is wonderful and exactly what you want, and then a big, fat brick wall pops up out of nowhere and says, "Nuh-uh, you aren't gettin' anywhere near that!" Those are the times when I'm grateful that God has a bigger plan for my life and kept me from obtaining something or going somewhere for a good reason. Even so, I can't help thinking sometimes how great my life would have been without that talking brick wall.
7. I lost my Ipod while visiting my grandparents a few weekends ago. It probably ended up somewhere in the 2+ feet of snow they now have. Is it to much to hope for my Ipod to survive until the snow melts and spring comes?
8. I am a selfish, rotten, sinful human, and I am sick of myself sometimes. Pray that God would shake me out of my stupidity and bring out the righteousness that comes from knowing Him and loving Him most.

An Update

Yesterday was one of "those" days for me. I got lost on the way to my interview, got there 5 minutes late, and consequently was not on top of my game as much as I should have been, especially considering some questions I was not expecting. I was driving my sister's car, which has the worst winter traction (besides my old car!). I got stuck twice when I was in the Caribou drive through! That all snowballed with worry about getting a job, and I was ready for the day to be over.

I know that God will provide for me, but worry and fear sneak their way into my life so much that the truth is often eclipsed. Thankfully, last night and this morning I was reminded that God has already been providing for me and still is. My grandparents have been extremely generous with what little they have to give, including leftovers! I've been offered about 10 hours of overtime during my last week at work, and this morning I opened a letter that contained a refund after canceling my car insurance. It's happening little by little, but these seemingly small blessings help remind me that God knows and cares.

On that note, please continue to pray that God would make my job search fruitful, that employers would contact me, that I would have a successful interview for the job God has for me at this time. Also pray that I would not find my security in my employment, but in my salvation. Wherever I end up, I am looking forward to starting a new "adventure" after college.