Gratitude

This morning, I am grateful that God has given me a reason to wake up at 5:30, walk out the door on time, and see the sunrise as I walked down the quiet street to my bus stop.

I am grateful that the Twin Cities has a transit system that can get me almost anywhere I need to go...at least on the weekdays!

I am grateful for the ability to see all of the beautiful flowers being set out at the Farmer's Market downtown while sipping my delicious iced white mocha.

I am so grateful that every day is a new day, filled with new possibilities, a fresh batch of patience, and God's new mercies.

I am grateful that God has given me a new opportunity and that I can trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. Come mid-September, Lord willing, I will be doing something different but exciting with my days!

I am grateful that God has brought my sister and her fiance together, giving us an opportunity to gather and celebrate. August 14th is going to be the best day of the summer!

I am grateful for the ability to sing, no matter how poorly, and being able to enjoy it!

I am grateful for the ability to run and breathe, even if those two things in conjunction with each other are not very pleasant.

I am grateful for the faith God has given me and the hope He has provided for the future.

Having Faith

Right now, I'm not sure whether I will have the same job in 6 months.

Right now, I don't know if I will ever feel competent for my job.

Right now, I don't know if I will be able to afford a car anytime soon.

Right now, I don't know if or how God will fulfill the desires He has given me.

But right now, I know that I have found happiness where I am. Today, I know that God has extended grace and forgiveness to me through Jesus Christ. I know that I have been blessed with a job and the ability to fulfill my duties. I know that there are 7 sweet (and sometimes naughty) toddlers who rush me when I walk in the door after my lunch break. I know that I am looking forward to the next four weeks filled with opportunities to spend time with family and friends.

Right now, by God's grace, I am alright. That's enough.

Especially for my Friend Who is a Writer

My poetry-loving friend requested a viewing of the poems I so lovingly penned about my car. The first poem was written for a contest last fall, while the second was written just after I sold "Miss Beatrice" to the junkyard. Though I may sound rather bitter in these poems, please know I am considerably less angered now. I even think back on my short time with Miss Beatrice with some nostalgia. Without further ado...

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 1)

Our first day together, three times in the snow

"Miss Beatrice" got stuck and she wouldn’t go!

I live in Minnesota, snow is a given!

My car needs to keep up with where I’m livin’.

For $500, I bought this piece of junk

And soon discovered she’s in a permanent funk!

More than the worth of my crappy car

Is what I’ve spent to save my life, so far.

Oil disappeared, the steering wheel would shake!

Plus a dangerous leak of fluid from the brake.

A noisy exhaust leak caused glares and pain;

And Carbon monoxide threatened my brain!

I’ve fixed the most dangerous parts of my car,

But Miss Beatrice keeps raising the bar.

Three windows, two mirrors, one lock, the horn

These things don’t work – how forlorn!

Rusty drums, no Oxygen sensor

She’s an oil burner with bad fuel pressure.

Bad struts, and burning smells won’t let me be

Plus, it devoured my choir CD.

Toxic fumes and blue clouds waft from my car

Almost 200,000 miles…I'm afraid to travel far!

The windshield wipers are neon yellow

Plus the dents and rust – it makes me bellow!

Miss Beatrice is only 15 years old,

But the leaky trunk is growing some mold!

America's worst car is surely my own,

and each day I'm never sure I'll actually make it home.

I don’t care what I get in return,

I just laugh at the thought of seeing her burn!

When you're driving down the highway, and wonder, "What's that smell?"

Look over - it's me! In the car from....you know where.

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 2)

Miss Beatrice, my time with you is finally done.

Because of you, my dignity was overrun.

For ten long months you sought my demise;

I know now that purchasing you was unwise.

The oil-burning engine left a putrid aroma

The carbon monoxide could have put me in a coma!

But all of your attacks I have survived

Though, of oxygen, my brain was deprived.

Pushing, sliding, cracking, jumping

Why were you intent on abusing?

Since March, you’ve run up a bill quite nice,

More than 35 times the trade-in price!

Now I’ve sold you to the junkyard

Still, my budget and existence are truly scarred.

Though your existence I surely abhor

You won all the battles, but I won the war.

Five Short Reflections on a Holiday Weekend

1. Driving a vehicle that has a defective speedometer really helps develop ones inner sense of speed. My inner speedometer still needs work, though. Driving back to the cities today took half an hour less than usual...with two pit stops. Whoops!
2. I love my grandparents, especially in their quirky and crazy moments. Example: I went out to the garage to get a stepladder and heard my Grandpa scanning the radio stations. What did he stop on? Britney Spears. Yes, I love my grandparents.
3. When making lefse on Saturday, I thought I was being really responsible and healthy when I washed my hands before we started. After Grandma said she tasted pomegranate in a fully cooked piece of lefse, I decided my handwashing technique needed a little work.
4. On my drive back to the farm after making lefse, I was admiring the picturesque country-ness of the roads. When I spotted 8 or so birds on the road, I figured they'd get out of the way. As I got closer, I realized that they were little ducklings who were running around but NOT running off the road. In these situations, my mind flashes back to a time when I was not yet a licensed driver. My mom told me in no uncertain terms that you NEVER swerve around animals on a country road, no matter how small or how cute. So when I saw the little ducklings in my path, I kept driving in a straight line, screaming in dismay. I looked in the rearview mirror with trepidation, and saw at least one lifeless duckling on the road behind me. I wasn't so happy about the country roads after that.
5. On the drive back today, an unfamiliar radio station started playing "Jump Jive an' Wail." For those few minutes, I was sad that I couldn't swing dance in the van.

Trusting in My Father's Wise Bestowment

When the bills for my student loan payments start showing up in the mailbox...

When the only job I really want is the one that I can't have...

When I'm told that I'm not "qualified" because I don't have a car...

When I realize how little my chosen profession really pays...

When every ounce of my patience and energy is given to my toddlers...

"Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Naptime Update

Praise the Lord for the gift of faith! He is allowing me to see glimpses of his work in my life and giving me peace about the things I don't know yet. The sermons Pastor Stokes has been preaching on 1 John the past few weeks have been so encouraging to me. Last week, I was agonizing over jobs and life in general, but this week is different. God used my long weekend, time with friends, and his peace to calm me down.

Right now, I am cautiously considering a job change. Last week, it seemed that moving to Korea was the only option that would offer everything I "needed": a job that kept me in the teaching field, enough money to pay my bills and save, and a setting that didn't require a car. After getting so worked up that I almost had an anxiety attack, I prayed and asked God for a clear answer. After a good night of sleep, I was much calmer and more at peace with waiting where I am for a job, whenever it comes.

Since deciding not to pursue an international job, I submitted a few resumes for other jobs. I heard back from one family looking for a nanny for their infant. The position would be full time, close by, and allow me to do what I've been waiting to do for years, while still exercising all that knowledge I spent four years of my life gaining! The hours would also be compatible with getting a second job - student loan payments are looming on the horizon, and I would love to be able to actually save some money for emergencies! When replying to the initial email, I had to tell the family that I needed a higher pay than what they were anticipating - I was sure that would end any notion of hiring me! But, I was pleasantly surprised to get a reply stating that they could pay what I needed and asking for my references! So far, it seems that God is putting the pieces into place, but I don't want to get ahead of myself, assume the outcome and end up disappointed like before. I have faith that God hears my prayers and will provide exactly what I need, when I need it - whether this particular job works out or not.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Gazing Into A Foggy Future

Opinions are flying my way from all around me. Everyone has an idea about what I should do and how I should do it, except me. Of course, I have ideas about what I can do, but I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. What I want for my future consists of two things, Lord willing:

1. A job that allows me to work with children and pay all of my bills.
2. A husband and a family.

As I look towards my future, I want to conduct my life in a way that allows for my desires/plans, but that is the wrong approach. I should be following God's leading, wherever that takes me. That takes more faith than I have right now. Lord, help my unbelief!

Another issue is that I don't have a car. Taking the bus is fine here, but only when there's a bus to take. I'm searching for a job while looking through the "I don't have a car" lens. I've been lectured that I should be applying for any and every job, not worrying about transportation until after I've been hired. That seems so irresponsible to me! Why would I accept a job if I wasn't sure if I could get there? Am I supposed to have faith that God will provide a job that I can get to right now, or should I look for a job and have faith that God will provide the transportation with it?

In short, I feel lost and confused, and I don't know what to do.