"Do You Hear That? It's the Winds of Change."

It has been almost two months since I left my first job behind. These past weeks have been spectacular: getting to know baby M; watching him grow both physically and cognitively; and getting to know my employers. My delight in little babies has only grown as I have become more amazed at God's handiwork in this tiny little human!

When I accepted my new job, I knew that it would come with a pay cut. I did a little math to make sure that I would still be able to pay all of my bills and told myself that less money would mean more practice in responsible spending.

Fast forward two months and you will find a young woman, previously very financially immature, who has worked and reworked her budget many times. The jump from mindless, careless and selfish spending to keeping track of every single dollar has been a challenge. Every two weeks I sit down and figure out exactly how much will stay in my checking account to pay bills electronically, while the rest of my budget requires a cash-only approach. It's too easy to just hand over a piece of plastic without paying attention to where that invisible money should really be going.

Figuring out my budget has not always been very uplifting, as my bad decisions are coming back to haunt me with sky-high interest rates. Every once in awhile I tell myself that if I had stayed at my old job, I would have plenty of money to pay down my debts and save for the future. But if I had stayed where I was, I would still be spending the same irresponsible way. I know that I am better off financially where I am now, where I have no choice but to track every dollar.

So, I see two blessings within my new job; not only do I get to do what I have wanted to do for years, but I am learning how to be responsible with what God gives me.

And he said to them, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Luke 12:15

The Past and The Present

This afternoon, I saw a picture of one of my college professors. Almost immediately, I was struck with the same fear and feelings of inadequacy that usually taunted me in her presence.

Sometimes I think about what I've accomplished during college and in the 9 months since graduating, and for a few moments I feel proud of myself. Then I think about what it would be like to face that professor now, bearing all of my post-graduate accomplishments for her to see, and suddenly my pride shrivels up to almost nothing.

Funny how one person can have such a lasting influence.

Music and Memories

Sometimes, I am amazed at how a specific song can bring up memories, causing me to relive an entirely different time of my life. I heard Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls this afternoon and almost instantly remembered a day in first grade. We were on a bus leaving a field trip to some sort of nature center, and the "cool" girls were singing Waterfalls while I lamented not knowing all of the lyrics so that I could sing along.

After that flashback, I started thinking about other songs with the same time-traveling effect...

When I hear Breakfast at Tiffany's, I remember sitting in the Champlin Public Library watching VH1 with Kayla. We were so surprised that Deep Blue Something looked like a bunch of country singers!

One Sweet Day brings me back to third grade: Megan, Jennifer and I loved spending our recess sitting on the swings and singing Mariah Carey songs.

After The Lion King came out in theaters, WLite started playing Elton John's Can You Feel the Love Tonight. I remember well the day we sat in the car behind the St. Louis Park Burger King eating our just-purchased lunches. My mom didn't want her onions, so she threw them out the window for the blackbirds nearby.

College changed the way I experience Silent Night. We sang that song dozens of times for Christmas at Northwestern, and I will never forget standing in the dark, candlelit auditorium, waiting for the sound of the bell. Or hoping that I didn't trip down the steps.

Every time I listen to Fireflies, I travel to a time when snow was falling and I was closing in on the end of my first grade student teaching. I remember what it was like to drive the Ford Explorer and hope that I survive another day or feel grateful for making it through another day.

A few weeks ago, I added a new song to my list: The Book of Love. My sister and her fiance used this song for their wedding slideshow. I couldn't help buying the song for myself, and now when I listen to it I relive the moments when we hid in the back of sanctuary, smiling and anticipating.

Gratitude

This morning, I am grateful that God has given me a reason to wake up at 5:30, walk out the door on time, and see the sunrise as I walked down the quiet street to my bus stop.

I am grateful that the Twin Cities has a transit system that can get me almost anywhere I need to go...at least on the weekdays!

I am grateful for the ability to see all of the beautiful flowers being set out at the Farmer's Market downtown while sipping my delicious iced white mocha.

I am so grateful that every day is a new day, filled with new possibilities, a fresh batch of patience, and God's new mercies.

I am grateful that God has given me a new opportunity and that I can trust Him with the outcome, whatever it may be. Come mid-September, Lord willing, I will be doing something different but exciting with my days!

I am grateful that God has brought my sister and her fiance together, giving us an opportunity to gather and celebrate. August 14th is going to be the best day of the summer!

I am grateful for the ability to sing, no matter how poorly, and being able to enjoy it!

I am grateful for the ability to run and breathe, even if those two things in conjunction with each other are not very pleasant.

I am grateful for the faith God has given me and the hope He has provided for the future.

Having Faith

Right now, I'm not sure whether I will have the same job in 6 months.

Right now, I don't know if I will ever feel competent for my job.

Right now, I don't know if I will be able to afford a car anytime soon.

Right now, I don't know if or how God will fulfill the desires He has given me.

But right now, I know that I have found happiness where I am. Today, I know that God has extended grace and forgiveness to me through Jesus Christ. I know that I have been blessed with a job and the ability to fulfill my duties. I know that there are 7 sweet (and sometimes naughty) toddlers who rush me when I walk in the door after my lunch break. I know that I am looking forward to the next four weeks filled with opportunities to spend time with family and friends.

Right now, by God's grace, I am alright. That's enough.

Especially for my Friend Who is a Writer

My poetry-loving friend requested a viewing of the poems I so lovingly penned about my car. The first poem was written for a contest last fall, while the second was written just after I sold "Miss Beatrice" to the junkyard. Though I may sound rather bitter in these poems, please know I am considerably less angered now. I even think back on my short time with Miss Beatrice with some nostalgia. Without further ado...

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 1)

Our first day together, three times in the snow

"Miss Beatrice" got stuck and she wouldn’t go!

I live in Minnesota, snow is a given!

My car needs to keep up with where I’m livin’.

For $500, I bought this piece of junk

And soon discovered she’s in a permanent funk!

More than the worth of my crappy car

Is what I’ve spent to save my life, so far.

Oil disappeared, the steering wheel would shake!

Plus a dangerous leak of fluid from the brake.

A noisy exhaust leak caused glares and pain;

And Carbon monoxide threatened my brain!

I’ve fixed the most dangerous parts of my car,

But Miss Beatrice keeps raising the bar.

Three windows, two mirrors, one lock, the horn

These things don’t work – how forlorn!

Rusty drums, no Oxygen sensor

She’s an oil burner with bad fuel pressure.

Bad struts, and burning smells won’t let me be

Plus, it devoured my choir CD.

Toxic fumes and blue clouds waft from my car

Almost 200,000 miles…I'm afraid to travel far!

The windshield wipers are neon yellow

Plus the dents and rust – it makes me bellow!

Miss Beatrice is only 15 years old,

But the leaky trunk is growing some mold!

America's worst car is surely my own,

and each day I'm never sure I'll actually make it home.

I don’t care what I get in return,

I just laugh at the thought of seeing her burn!

When you're driving down the highway, and wonder, "What's that smell?"

Look over - it's me! In the car from....you know where.

Ode to Miss Beatrice (Part 2)

Miss Beatrice, my time with you is finally done.

Because of you, my dignity was overrun.

For ten long months you sought my demise;

I know now that purchasing you was unwise.

The oil-burning engine left a putrid aroma

The carbon monoxide could have put me in a coma!

But all of your attacks I have survived

Though, of oxygen, my brain was deprived.

Pushing, sliding, cracking, jumping

Why were you intent on abusing?

Since March, you’ve run up a bill quite nice,

More than 35 times the trade-in price!

Now I’ve sold you to the junkyard

Still, my budget and existence are truly scarred.

Though your existence I surely abhor

You won all the battles, but I won the war.

Five Short Reflections on a Holiday Weekend

1. Driving a vehicle that has a defective speedometer really helps develop ones inner sense of speed. My inner speedometer still needs work, though. Driving back to the cities today took half an hour less than usual...with two pit stops. Whoops!
2. I love my grandparents, especially in their quirky and crazy moments. Example: I went out to the garage to get a stepladder and heard my Grandpa scanning the radio stations. What did he stop on? Britney Spears. Yes, I love my grandparents.
3. When making lefse on Saturday, I thought I was being really responsible and healthy when I washed my hands before we started. After Grandma said she tasted pomegranate in a fully cooked piece of lefse, I decided my handwashing technique needed a little work.
4. On my drive back to the farm after making lefse, I was admiring the picturesque country-ness of the roads. When I spotted 8 or so birds on the road, I figured they'd get out of the way. As I got closer, I realized that they were little ducklings who were running around but NOT running off the road. In these situations, my mind flashes back to a time when I was not yet a licensed driver. My mom told me in no uncertain terms that you NEVER swerve around animals on a country road, no matter how small or how cute. So when I saw the little ducklings in my path, I kept driving in a straight line, screaming in dismay. I looked in the rearview mirror with trepidation, and saw at least one lifeless duckling on the road behind me. I wasn't so happy about the country roads after that.
5. On the drive back today, an unfamiliar radio station started playing "Jump Jive an' Wail." For those few minutes, I was sad that I couldn't swing dance in the van.