Reflections From a Quiet Hospital Room

What do we say when our plans, our expectations are disproved in one great and momentary upheaval? What happens when the trial impatiently endured gives way to even greater trouble than before? What do you do when the moment you had been waiting months for never comes?

Recent events are causing me to realize afresh that my hope is so often misplaced. Hope is not found in a job offer, a date, a new car, the approval of others, or most recently, the removal of a child's loathsome but necessary medical contraption. I act as though life will be better because of these things, that improvement will come through the acquisition of worldly possessions or the end of a trying time.

Yet my season of singleness endures, I turn down perfectly good jobs, and the long-anticipated removal of a halo brought on much more medical trauma than anyone imagined. It shouldn't amaze me how evident the Lord's goodness is during these times, but it does. Seeing faith, courage, and joy endure, seeing God's provision in big and little things, seeing the smile of one of the most amazing toddlers I have ever known - all of those things point me back to the one in whom I should put my hope.

So do not cling to a paycheck, a boyfriend, an abundance of nice things, or good health. Put your hope in the one who gives us all of those things and sustains us every day, good or bad.

    But I will hope continually
        and will praise you yet more and more.
    My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
        of your deeds of salvation all the day,
        for their number is past my knowledge.
    With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come;
        I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone.
(Psalm 71:14-16 ESV)

An Unpacking of the Author's Thoughts on a Saturday Evening.

Making food is very satisfying, especially when the food turns out well. Weekends usually bring on the urge to cook, and today was no different. Thanks to Pinterest and StumbleUpon, my kitchen is a happy place. Did you know that with just a little EVOO, salt, & pepper, you can make cauliflower into a delicious french fry imposter? There is a pan of Red Velvet Cheesecake brownies in the oven, half-finished Oreo Bon-Bons in the freezer, and the ingredients for a promising Chicken Enchilada Bake are just biding their time.
Yes, I love making food.

As of yesterday, I have completed 4 weeks of being a "Super Nanny." Who chose that nickname, you ask? I did. Sue me. Honestly, though, I've learned a lot. Nannying one special needs child requires an extra commitment to learning about those needs and all of the different therapies. Nannying two special needs children? Double the therapy and individualization, plus a whole new range of medical issues to learn about, and learning how to balance two needy toddlers (figuratively AND literally). It took awhile (being sick as a dog for one week didn't help at all), but it feels like all of the pieces are falling into place. Every day is challenging because every day is different, but there is finally a solid foundation of knowledge and familiarity to build each day off of. Did I mention that there's going to be a new baby next month? I love my job.

For the past few weeks, I've been reflecting on my life now and how much it is changed in the last year. If you've known me longer than a year, you know I can be very quiet and I spend a lot of time at home. Sometimes that stems from simple introversion and the need to re-energize by being alone. Other times, especially during my teenage years, it was due to fear. Fear that I would be socially rejected, that I would not know how to handle a new situation, that I would fail as I had before. Somewhere in the last 12 or so months, things have started changing. That fear is still present in my life, but there is less room for it. I'm not quite sure how, but my life has filled up! I'm amazed at all that is a part of my life now - besides working 2 jobs, and being part of 2 church ministries, I'm out at least 2 or 3 nights each week spending time with friends. That is HUGE for me. I don't even know how it happened, but I'm so grateful for all God has given me and is helping me to balance.

To end on a very serious note...normally, I'm not a fan of Rihanna - her lyrics make me run for more substantial artists. However, I am guilty of really liking one of her songs:



When this song comes on the radio, I turn the volume and the bass up way too loud and rock out as much as a self-conscious driver can. Which isn't very much. So, if you hear the bass thumping as you drive by a soccer mom minivan, pay no attention to the woman in the driver's seat.

Bucket Lists

I find myself making two bucket lists: a traditional outline of things I hope to do in the future and then a collection of things I wish I'd thought to add before they happened. I know you are waiting with bated breath, so without further ado...

Heather's Run-of-the-Mill Bucket List

Marry my currently unidentified husband

Be a mother

Pay off all of my debts

Memorize every Fighter Verse

Share the Gospel with a stranger

Travel to every continent, perhaps excluding Antarctica

Visit all of Europe (every country looks so beautiful, I can't choose just one!)

Go to a Viking's game

Go to a Twin's game

Take a vacation far away from home

Visit the top of the "Witch's Hat" water tower

Take dancing lessons

Attend a concert at First Ave

Learn how to swim

Learn to ski and snowboard

Go skydiving or bungee jumping

Grow a flower and vegetable garden

Join (another) choir

Learn how to drive a stick shift car

Drive 100 mph

Take (more) piano lessons

Learn to play the guitar

Make a complete queen-size quilt

Learn how to rock-climb

Learn to use a camera well

Go on a road trip

Heather's "Hindsight is 20/20" Bucket List

Meet Josh Groban

Sit atop an elephant

Drive a van on the sidewalk

Graduate college

Eat raw squid

Drive a jet ski

Get stuck in an elevator

Sit in every seat in an empty movie theater auditorium

Put together a bunk bed by myself

Conquer my fear of body slides (thanks guys!)

I keep starting blog posts and abandoning them when I inevitably become dissatisfied with the results. There are so many different thoughts swirling in my head after these past few weeks - they all want to get out, but the perfectionist writer in me can't seem to figure out how. Though it is likely more beneficial to me than anyone else, this post is happening now.

Earlier this week, I realized that changes of all shapes and sizes are barreling towards me. Just when I was starting to get comfortable, it feels as though God took my routine, my comfortable box, and gave it a hearty shake. 

The changes all started Christmas Day. There was no way to avoid the realization that changes were coming when I woke up to the news that my grandma died just hours before we were going to go visit her.

Change confronted me when I was surrounded by family, saying a tearful goodbye to the woman we all loved so dearly. That entire week went by in a strange blur, trying to figure out how to grieve while I went on with my daily life.

Change are coming on Tuesday, when my workload, responsibility, and nannying joys double. I'm cautiously excited to be taking on a second special needs child, trying to silence the fear that I will be inadequate for this opportunity.

I'm turning 25 in less than two weeks and it feels like a big deal. It seems an unavoidable truth: the fact that I am in no way a child, adolescent, or dependent anymore. I am an adult, an independent woman. My choices are my own, as are my mistakes, my time, my friends. It's liberating and terrifying.

These next few months bring the anticipation of more change as I take a leap back into the world of job searching. The idea of it is a little overwhelming right now. It's far too easy to let fear and anxiety take over right now as I consider all of the time and effort to be put into resumes, applications, and interviews.

In all of these changes, fear and anxiety are ready and waiting to break into my mind and soul. I am striving to remember God's faithfulness in all of this: his mercy in Grandma's death; the blessing of a another source of income; his grace throughout my 24 years of life so far; the knowledge that, in spite of all life's changes, my Lord is constant and unchanging.

But this I call to mind,
   and therefore I have hope:

 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
   “therefore I will hope in him.” 

 (Lamentations 3:21-24)

He has given and taken away, and He is good.

Reflections on an Evening Spent With a Red Kettle and a Bell

If you're looking for a way to give a little of your time during the Christmas season, please allow me to make a recommendation. Last night, I spent a wonderful 90 minutes (after determining which door was actually facing west!) behind a red kettle, hymnal or bell in hand, with friends on either side.

The chilly breeze out of the north made for cold fingers and toes, but what does that matter when you're singing with friends? When 1 person walks by with a smile on their face? When you finally find the sweet alto notes of Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming? When two strangers join the singing in perfect harmony?

Give me a brisk Minnesota evening, surrounded by friends singing praise, and I will be a happy woman.

Joy to the world, indeed.


Want to do something? Go ring a bell yourself (http://www.registertoring.com/TwinCities/Search.aspx) or donate online (http://www.onlineredkettle.org/heidehosen).

Bottle It Up

While I was steering my red shopping cart through Target's grocery aisles last week, I couldn't help noticing the distress of another customer. It wasn't the medical attention sort of distress; rather, it involved some foot-stomping, loud grumbling, and a curse or two under her breath. As I steered my cart around her, I saw she was attempting to remove the battery from her phone. "Well if it's just her battery, I might be able to help," I thought. After inquiring, I found out that her phone, containing her entire grocery list, had stopped working. My rudimentary troubleshooting was not helpful, so I offered a few positive words and continued my shopping.
As I reflected on this encounter later, I realized how different this woman and I are. When she encountered trouble she dealt with it externally, in a way that was obvious to observers. When trouble comes my way, I take everything in and keep it inside, in a place where I can deal with it without being observed. For reasons I don't quite understand, I am more comfortable dealing with my emotions in private. If they are out in the open for all to see, then I feel vulnerable.
In processing the emotional side of recent events, I buried many of my feelings as deep down as possible. It's much easier to put on a face that says "I'll be fine," saving the real emotions for later. Sometimes, the emotions that I have worked so hard to keep under my control burst forth. The revelation that came with one unintended moment of honesty broke the hastily constructed dam, letting the full weight of those emotions settle in on me.
While searching for relief in the midst of the flood of emotion, I remembered a verse of one of my favorite hymns:

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Nesting

My name is Heather, and I am a sporadic nester.

This is closely linked to my penchant for never unpacking everything. These unfortunate habits are likely rooted in my childhood and the multiple addresses I associate with "home."

When my roommates and I moved a few months ago, it took me a minimum of one week to put any nails in the wall. Nails bring with them a sense of permanence - once I hang that picture up, it's not coming down until I pack it up.

It's been 2 months since I put two nails in the wall. Tonight I added 3 more.

I'm not sure why it feels so significant. I do know that tonight, my house just became a little more of a home.

Baby steps, Heather. Baby steps.